What Do You Call It When...

You have a blog to post, but you haven't read anything new?





Oh, right. You call it lazy.





I broke down and grabbed my finished copy of Abbracciare il Cantante (I reviewed it a few weeks back) and finished that bad boy. Because Kat Tammen, AKABrattyVamp, finally gave me one cliffhanger too many and I had to find out what happened next.

Come to think of it, it was something like that that finally made me break down and read the Twilight books, even though I had wanted to wait and read them after I had seen all the movies. But one look at that trailer for Breaking Dawn part 1, you know, where Bella is in the coffin, and I had to find out what happened.



Wait! That's not Bella and Edward. Go home, Lestat, you're drunk again.

Oh. Em. Gee. There is not one animated gif or picture of Bella in the coffin in Jacob's imagination from Breaking Dawn part 1. I can't. . . I just can't.



It's a travesty, I tell you. A travesty.



It's thrown off my vision for the entire thiiiiiiiiing. <insert whiny tone of voice here>



Okay, it's okay. I'm sorry you had to see that gratuitous display of temper. I'm better now. Really.



But, the blog must go on. 

Speaking of the blog going on. . .

This week I have some good stuff for you.



Disclaimer: The blog author wants you to know that she had originally intended to review Eight Days by windchymes and Bellaria by pattyrose but realized that she has already reviewed those stories. (The blog author would also like you to know that she intends to make a list of stories that have been reviewed on her blog. . . eventually.) She would also like you to know that her best laid plans, as usual. . .



<SarcasticBimbo scrambles to find fics to rec for the blog>



On to plan B.

Okay, you'll be happy to know I found something to rec, even though I haven't read any new complete stories this week. I have a couple of just started WIPs. I have another WIP that's further along and I have a complete (although extremely short) story, that I've previously read, but never reviewed here.

Phew! The day has been saved!



Not so fast, Petunia. You still have to write the recs.

Oops, my bad.



First up, BitterHarpy, also known as Stephanie Smith Busbin, posted the first chapter of not one, but two, new offerings.

The first story is called Where The Heart Is, and it promises to be incredibly angsty.

Summary: "I am used to bad days as they make up most of the 365 days that we are allotted per year. This is my life, a series of rainy days. And for me, when it rains, it pours." But what happens when that bad luck suddenly changes at the hands of a man who rarely feels any emotion other than anger? And will it be soon enough to save the most precious person in Bella's life?

Based on the first (and only) chapter of this, it promises to be very sad. Bella is a single mother whose rich surgeon father disowned her when she got pregnant. Her younger sister, Alice, is her rock.

When their father disowned Bella, he took all of her financial support away from her, so she had to drop out of school. Fortunately, Alice had scholarships, so she was able to continue her education to be a doctor. Once she finished, she took a position at Forks General and Bella relocated to Forks with Alice and her daughter.

Bella's daughter, Charlotte, has Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, and will die without a transplant. Bella has an unfulfilling job as a waitress/prep cook at The Lodge, Forks' fanciest restaurant, which is where she first meets Edward. Truthfully, Edward is an asshole to her in their first meeting, where she is the waitress at his table, but I'm looking forward to seeing how this story evolves.

As of right now, there appears to be no banner pic for this story or BitterHarpy's other new story, so I'll just improvise, for now.



Where The Heart Is can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12440422/1/Where-The-Heart-Is

The second story started by BitterHarpy this week, is called Olympic Pen Missed Connections.

Summary: 'You pulled a gun on me and now I can't get you out of my mind. I want to know everything about you- how you take your coffee, what you do for a living, and if you pull your gun on every guy you meet. So, if you see this, please meet me at 8pm on January 13 at the place where you tried to kill me and we can maybe see where this goes.'

So far, it's only the ad that was placed after this fateful meeting of the minds. Harpy has said this will border on crack fic and I am totally on board with that. As you all know, I love to laugh.

I really can't wait to see where this one goes.

Again, there is no banner so I will improvise.




Olympic Pen Missed Connections can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12440541/1/Olympic-Pen-Missed-Connections

Note: BitterHarpy hasn't been able to find anyone to make banners for her stories. If anyone out there has experience making banners and would be interested in making some for her, please let her know. Thank you.

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Next up is a story called Masen Has Fallen by OtherRootVegetable.

Summary: College Junior, Edward Masen's life has taken hit after hit, and he's just trying to get by as best he can. When the girl he's convinced is 'the one' stumbles into his life; he's not prepared for her or the utter disarray she brings into his life. "I looked at her, and I just knew - and then, from that moment on, nothing about my life was ever remotely simple or easy."

This story is five chapters in and I'm really loving it, so far. Edward is a college junior and president of his fraternity. He's got family problems back home, but he does his best to help out as much as he can.

Because of this, he works in the college library as much as he possibly can, while fulfilling his duties of frat president, and studying as much as humanly possible. Add that to trying to have a social life and you have one busy Edward.

Bella is a new student that catches Edward's eye, but there's something about her he is just too busy to know. She's the daughter of the President of the United States, and she is just looking to go to school like any normal girl with a Secret Service detail attached to her.

Edward is instantly smitten with the new girl, and really doesn't know who she is until his friends inform him. They make loads of fun of him for not knowing, but that's what friends are for, right?

Edward tells Bella he likes her, but she's been down this road before and doesn't think that he'll be able to take all of the circus that her life in the public eye entails, so she's resistant to his amorous overtures.

At this point in the story, they've agreed to be friends, with an option for more. Bella just needs to get over her fear of being hurt when (in her mind) he decides he just can't take it any more.

This Edward is so sweet and wonderful. I really hope she is able to get over her fears and let him in.

Again, there is no banner for this story, so I will improvise.



Masen Has Fallen can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12401004/1/Masen-Has-Fallen

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My last rec for this week is a two-shot (that I hope the author continues because I love it) called Tinder Is The Night by LayAtHomeMom.

Summary: With thousands of potential mates at your fingertips, finding a connection is just a swipe away. Sometimes you have to left-swipe a lot of Mr. Wrongs to swipe Mr. Right.

Gah! I love this so much!

Really, I love everything that LayAtHomeMom has written. She is just that good.

This is such a cute story, though. She wrote the original one-shot for the Meet the Mate contest. Now, I normally don't pay much attention to contests, but once she posted this on her profile, I read it and I'm so happy I did.

As a one-shot, it's fantastic. So, just imagine my surprise when she posted a 2nd (and what I hope against hope is not a final) chapter.

This little story involves Bella. Her former ex-of-sorts (really they were friends with benefits) is getting married and invites her to the wedding.

Bella decides to drink her weight in wine when she receives her invitation and while she is drowning her sorrows, her best friend, Rose, reads (on the oh-so-cute couple's wedding website, no less) that the happy about-to-be-wedded couple met on Tinder.

This inspires Rose to suggest that Bella should create her own Tinder profile, which she does. Once done, she left-swipes a few losers before coming across the profile of Edward 'not a serial killer' Cullen. Bella 'I'm kind of a big deal' Swan is impressed and right-swipes him.

The next morning, Bella wakes up to four matches and some dick pics.

The rest of this story is just so cute and wonderful and I would pay money for more. <Blog author side eyes LayAtHomeMom> Really. I have eight bucks just burning a hole in my pocket. 




Tinder Is The Night can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11510864/1/Tinder-is-the-Night

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Don't forget that the We Love Mobward Contest, which is being run by SunflowerFran is still open for voting.



The We Love Mobward Contest can be found here, and voting runs through tomorrow (4/12/17).

https://www.fanfiction.net/u/8713588/We-Love-Mobward-Contest

Also, the Carlisle, Uncovered contest has started. I am a judge for this one! I don't usually read anything but Edward and Bella so I am fully impartial for this one.

There are some great prizes for this one, so all you authors should get in on it!


Here's the link:

https://www.fanfiction.net/~carlisleuncoveredcontest

Last, but certainly not least, the Biggest Dick Ever, or BDE, contest is going on, as well.



http://www.fanfiction.net/u/8731303/

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Welp, there you have it for this week, all you consumers of fine fan fic.

Come back next week when I will be giving a dissertation on the finer points of dropping it like it's hot.

I'm Running On Caffeine and Loud Music. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Buckle your seat belts, bitches!!!

It's time to bust shit up!!!!



Actually, this GIF would totally go great with that story EverClear. Now I'm gonna have to read that again soon. 



So, I've been sick. I slept all of Friday and Saturday so I'm still not quite finished reading Cullenary Coupling.

Nope. Totally serious.



It would appear that I will be shirking my responsibility, yet again, this week. 



Gee, sorry. I didn't realize you'd be this upset.



No, really! Everything's fine. I asked somebody to do recs for me again, this week.



Yay! Right?





See? You were worried for nothing.



Who loves you? Who takes care of you?



You know, people have been telling me I'm crazy for a while now.

Oh well, I'm still not feeling all that great. I only slept about four hours Sunday night and I've been awake since 6:30 Monday morning. Maybe that's why. 



So, our amazing guest reviewer this week is the effervescent Denise Wilson (Coppertop) Johnson. Everybody give the little lady a big hand!

Take it away, Denise!

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Blog Reviews for April 4, 2017

WIP:

Unplugged

By: Write Sisters

Masen, rock star, had it all—until he didn't. Now, he's trying to rebuild his life, retrace his steps and, hopefully, do it all again, only right this time. Bella Swan had her heart broken, her confidence dashed, and her trust in love destroyed by Edward Cullen. It's taken her years to get over his betrayal, and now, having finally gotten her life together, he's back.

The Write Sisters have such a unique talent in writing their stories with so much depth, that you feel you truly know the characters, have been to the locations described, and feel the emotions as if they were your own.

UNPLUGGED is five chapters in and paints a dismal state of affairs for our poor Masen.  The author presents a vivid picture of the story of a disillusioned rock star, who has the baggage of a cutthroat manager, a disappointed father, and the girl that was left behind.

The story follows on the successful heels of the author’s first exquisite story Counsel, promising a story of torture, and much anticipated happiness.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12360658/1/

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Completed:  34 Chapters, 59,584 Words

Without A Smile

By: melistories

"I hardly slept last night as it was. Mr. Cullen ran out of the office shortly after I stopped and I thought about boxing up my things but decided to wait until I was officially fired before doing anything rash." "You mean rash like breaking out in a song-and-dance routine in front of your boss?" Rosalie snickered.

She is quirky, and he is confused.  A wonderful story that will have you smiling and shaking your head days afterward.

Bella is Edward’s Administrative Assistant with a flair for showtunes, theatre, and of course, smiles.  She is protective of her boss, often fending off the unwanted advances of the Triplets of Bitchville (read and discover).

You will love this author’s Tanya, and may even come away with a craving for falafels (you are warned).

It is a heartwarming story that gives you the warm and fuzzies causing a sigh of hope and contentment.  And who doesn’t need that nowadays?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11278440/1/

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Completed:  45 Chapters, 132,442 Words

The Maiden and the Maid

By: AgoodWITCH

Heavy is the head that wears the crown, noble the ill-prepared to turn it down. Bella is no one, a lady's maid at a girl's school until the princess she serves changes her life with a choice she would never make herself. Now she sets off into a world she doesn't know, betrothed to a man who will never know her.

Loosely mimicking the Prince and the Pauper, Bella is a lady’s maid who soon finds herself in the service of the Princess Isabella, for whom she was named.  When the two begin to realize some of the anatomical similarities between them, a plan is formed by the Princess to perhaps finally escape her gilded cage.

It doesn’t take long for our lady’s maid to realize she may have bitten off more than she can chew.  A quick education, attempting to skillfully fool the royal family, and an arranged marriage, are just some of the hurdles our maid must jump.

Will she clear the hurdles, or is she doomed to be discovered.

The author takes us on a suspenseful journey, only to throw in a surprise detour that I did not see coming.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11128812/1/

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Wow, Denise, great recs. I've read Without A Smile and I loved that story. I'll be throwing the other two stories you've recced up on top of my TBR mountain, for sure.

So, that's it for this week, everyone. I want to thank Coppertop Johnson for rescuing me and apologize to everyone for not doing it myself. 

I am gonna go examine the inside of my eyelids for, oh, I don't know, the next 12 hours.

Have a great week and. . .