So, since it's election day, I was going to make my blog chock full of PoliticianWard stories. But then I got to thinking that if Cheeto Hitler wins, the majority of the people in this country who are capable of critical thinking and are literally wetting the bed because they're so terrified of that possibility will probably be lying in the fetal position on their closet floor, I decided that I'm going to do all funny fics. You know, to get our minds off the fact that if he wins, not only are we almost certainly heading toward WWIII, but, if Cheeto Hitler dies while in office, the piece of shit who signed a bill requiring that the women in his state who have miscarriages or abortions have a funeral for the fetal tissue would then be president. I want to laugh while I still can, dammit!
So, I have some funny, funny fics to get you all in a good mood, today. Well, I think they are hysterical, anyway.
First up, and probably my favorite funny fic of all time, is, In Your Room by LayAtHomeMom.
Summary: After years of bedroom boredom with Missionary Mike, can Bella find the sexual salvation she's seeking in the arms of campus hottie, Edward Cullen? Rated M for
Edward's dirty mouth, Bella's inner whore, embarrassing situations and lemons galore…
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this story. I honestly don't have words in my vocabulary to convey my absolute devotion to reading this story when I need a good laugh. This story is piss your pants and snort whiskey out your nose funny.
Bella Swan and Mike Newton are high school sweethearts who go to the same college. On paper, Mike is a great boyfriend; sweet, attentive. . . but he has a major flaw. How do I put this delicately? Who am I kidding, when do I put things delicately? You know that burn? that excitement? that oh-my-god-I-gotta-have-it-now thing about good sex? Mike is the antidote for that. And when Bella tries to suggest that he think outside the box, he breaks up with her in the most spectacular, humiliating public display seen on whichever college campus they're on. Disclaimer: I would actually look through the story to find out which college they are at, but then I would just start reading it and not get the blog written and nobody wants that, do they? Well, do they?
Her roommates, a kick ass Rosalie and my favorite Tanya of all time, decide that she has to go to Emmett, Tyler and Edward's weekly Thursday night party with them to make her forget her romantic troubles and devastating public breakup with Mike.
At the party, Bella is having fun, getting her drunk on, when a much drunker freshman girl pukes on her. She is hastily ushered to the basement by Emmett, where she is told he will find her something else to put on so she can wash her outfit. Edward comes to the rescue with the clothes and she is invited into his room to wait for her laundry to finish. And that is the beginning of their relationship.
The characters are engaging, Bella is hilarious (I forgot to mention that she dubs Edward's cock, The Kraken, didn't I? Also, when she wants some lovin' she's Kraken-lackin'?), Edward is swoon-worthy and the story is so funny I go back to it every time I need a feel good, piss your pants story to read to counteract a particularly angsty story.
If you haven't read In Your Room, do yourself a favor and get to it. You will thank me later, I swear.
In Your Room can be found here:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8664104/1/In-Your-Room
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The next story I have for you today is Tutus, Teeth & a Bag of Fairy Dust. It's a crackfic and it's a gut-buster.
Summary: Edward Cullen has a secret nightlife. . . one that could destroy him. When the worst person possible uncovers it, what will he do and will they be able to accept it?
By day, Edward is the editor of a newspaper and by night. . . Edward is the tooth fairy.
More accurately, Edward is a tooth fairy in a family of tooth fairies. His parents, Carlisle and Esme, and sister, Alice are all tooth fairies. Carlisle is the head fairy for their district and is the owner of the newspaper where Edward and Bella both work.
Due to a death in the family, Alice has to leave her route and Edward has to take over her route, in addition to his own.
The life of a tooth fairy is hazardous, yo. Dogs biting, cats attacking the glitter and wings, stairs, kids waking up and screaming bloody murder while they throw you out a third story window, I could go on but I won't.
Carlisle loves to torture Edward. He makes Edward wear Alice's costume, complete with pink tutu and stripper shoes. Edward has no choice in the matter because at a certain time every night, the costume just appears on his body. Carlisle is also a cigar-smoking, perverted, uncouth asshole.
Everything about this fic is spray your computer screen funny. I won't give you all the details, but if you read it, you should probably invest in some adult diapers to avoid a mess.
Tutus, Teeth & a Bag of Fairy Dust can be found here:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918867/1/Tutus-Teeth-a-Bag-of-Fairy-Dust
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For my third offering this week, I have Dirt Roads by Wine Hoes.
Summary: Trucker hats, possums, and dirt roads. Shenanigans ensue. Is there really less trouble in the country, or are the kids just better at not getting caught? ExB, AH. Story contains mature themes.
In Dirt Roads, we start out with a Bella who is a seventeen-year-old party girl living in New York City. Her dad, Charlie, is a therapist who moved to New York from Intercourse, Alabama so that his wife could realize her dream of being an artist who painted city skylines. She died in a tragic, rooftop accident involving pigeons.
When Bella gets in trouble, think cocaine, a strip club and a guy named Laurent with a fake French accent, Charlie decides that what Bella needs most is a good dose of Intercourse. So, right after bailing Bella out of jail, he takes her to the airport and they are off to their new home. Bella is sentenced to community service, which entails working for the local veterinary clinic/taxidermist. She meets the usual gang and hilarity, Intercourse style, ensues.
Can I just say that all the jokes with the town name are inspiring? Because they are. "Not even two days here and you've already made Intercourse so much better for me." "You've been acting stranger than normal ever since Intercourse, Bells." "Come on, Bella. Try to make a good impression, okay? The last thing I need is for you to make a bad impression on Intercourse."
Come on, those are awesome. And those are just in the first six chapters. And there are more just like them.
The teenagers are getting up to a lot of no good on the dirt roads around Intercourse to be had and lots of sweet Edward fucking with is Pockets.
So, come on down to Intercourse, ya hear?
Dirt Roads can be found here:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7303130/1/Dirt-Roads
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I was going to rec a couple more stories but I gotta make like a tree and leaf. I have to pick my daughter up from school and then get her home to get ready for her chorus concert tonight. At the high school. Which may also be a voting precinct. Which means the parking lot, which is like the seventh circle of hell on a good day, will be the equivalent of Walmart on Black Friday. Have I ever mentioned I live across the street from Walmart? No? Well, now you know.
Anyway, wish me luck. And, if I end up in jail or something, come bail a bitch out, yo. See you next week.
I can't wait to read these. I've had In Your Room on my TBR for awhile now, so I've got to get to it.
ReplyDeleteYou're gonna love them. <3
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