Guess What?

Betcha can't guess!



At the end of this week's blog, there's a spoiler for Perdition by MeteorOnAMoonlessNight! 




Remember last week when I said I wanted to read Cullenary Coupling and needed someone else to give the recs this week?




Isn't that awesome?





She totally took one for the team.



Dang, that looked painful.



Anyway...

Do you want to know who the superhero taking over my blog this week is?



Okay! Okay! Chillax, even!



The wonderful person who swooped in and saved the day is...



Kidding... I'm totally kidding...



For realz, tho...

This week's guest star is the wonderful Kim Roland-Edwards, aka Kimmie 45 on fanfiction.net.

Without further ado, I give you Kim's recs!

I’m filling in for BeLynda this week and it’s a pleasure to recommend a few stories to you. I love spreading the love. As with many of you who have been in the fandom for a while or who have read tons of fics, you become a little picky in what you choose to read. Well, I do. I know many who read most anything and most everything. I’m an all up E/B girl.

I have two Vampwards and one all human story for you.

I’ve recced this story several times and posted each update in my group, Who’s Who in the Twilight Fandom. (You like how I just pimped out my group?)

Anyway, the first story is Derivation by cupcakeriot. She writes incredible supernatural/science fic stories. Derivation just completed today, Monday, and I haven’t read it yet because I know it will take me a while, the chapters are so long.

Basically, it’s a retelling of Twilight. WAIT!! It’s not what you think!! This is so different. The plot is so original. I have never read anything like it.

The Volturi, Aro mainly, are actually good in this. We see a totally different side of him.

The story begins with Aro wanting to give his wife, Sulpicia, what any female vampire wants; a child. In doing this, as you know from the books and movies, the male has to have sex with a human female. Yes, he was successful, but he had no intention of saving the females, but you have to remember this was several years, a very long time before Bella was born. He has a gifted vampire that absorbs powers from other vamps. He wanted an heir to inherit his gift. So, when the first child was born, the gifted vamp absorbed Aro’s gift and transferred it to the baby, but it would be generations before the gift would come to be and that leads us to Bella. I’m not going to spoil any more on that front or Charlie. I will say that Bella is different in this story. She is human, but she also has vampire blood in her and the author has really created a fantastic character out of Bella. Her Edward is different, too. She has taken some things from the books that really didn’t make sense and changed them up. Bella actually respects Edward and his old fashioned ways and he respects Bella and lets her make her own decisions. They are the perfect balance of each other.

derivation

By: cupcakeriot (noun) derivation. The obtaining of something from a source or origin. “All it takes is a touch,” Bella says - and that is how she reveals there is more to her than meets the eye. Little did she realize that she also had a derivative, one that she could scarcely predict. A Twilight re-telling.  



https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12376142/1/

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My second rec is one that just completed. A Deep Slow Panic by myonlyheroin.

This is also all vamp. It’s a short, fast read. I’m an angst wimp, and while there were moments of hurt, it wasn’t bad at all. So, I say from one angst wimp to another, you can handle this story.

Edward left Bella and it had been two years. What Edward didn’t know, was that Bella wasn’t going to let him go. She didn’t stay in the forest after he said goodbye; she went straight to the Cullen home. She searched for Edward for two years to bring him home. And that’s where I’m going to leave it because this story isn’t long and it’s a fast read, I don’t want to give too much away. This has a much more mature Bella, she’s 20 now, and Edward who has been given a second chance with her, so he wants to do things differently. It’s realizing what you had and that you need to change things to make this second chance better.

A Deep Slow Panic

By: myonlyheroin

NM AU--It has been two years since I left her behind. Two years to the exact date. My chest rises and falls in fast succession as her heart beat thundered against my ears. She’s here, I’m here and dark anxiousness sets in. Will this be our final undoing?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10607918/1/A-Deep-Slow-Panic

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My last rec is an all human story that was originally a one shot for the P.S. I Love You contest, expanded to 21 chapters and is complete.

Remember above, when I said the more you read, you tend to get picky about genres, plots, couples…? Well, I’m not too fond of reading an Olderward. Sure, I don’t mind reading a 5 or 10 year difference in age, but Edward has to be the one older. I don’t read Olderellas. This story was an exception to the rule. A much older Edward, but LAWD, so hot, and old fashioned, and such a gentleman, and loves is Bella. And Bella, one that we don’t see much of. So sweet, and independent, but also allows Edward to spoil her. Both characters are snarky, adorable (Edward) and funny.

bornonhalloween broke my rules, sucked me into this story from the first chapter, and I waited patiently (not) for each update and probably drove her crazy on FB. Another story I constantly rec’ed and posted updates which were frequent. I’m so thrilled, ecstatic, excited that I wasn’t the only one who threatened, begged, pleaded and asked for outtakes to this story because there is still so much to tell of these two characters. Sooo… she’s writing a sequel!!! (squeals) Yes! A sequel. I’m waiting patiently (not) for it to update.

Old School

By: bornonhalloween

He’s old school, and I think I like it! 2nd Place Judges’ and Public Votes, P.S. I LOVE YOU CONTEST.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12286291/1/Old-School

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Thank you so much for guest reccing this week, Kim. You really saved my bacon.



Phew!!! Okay, on to that spoiler/teaser for Perdition by MeteorOnAMoonlessNight. All I can say about that story is that by the end of it, I hope that the people who are messing with Bella will...



This story is so good, y'all. I can't even. So, without further ado...here's a little something from Perdition. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Speaking of the police, have you spoken to your dad?” Angela asks.

“I haven't. He got me involved in this four years ago, and brought me back into it last month.”

“Do you… do you know what he said about you when you left? I'm starting to wonder if it was a lie, now that I've spent time with you.” I try to read the emotion in her dark eyes, but I'm coming up with nothing.

“I know that it was leaked that I testified, despite it supposedly being a closed hearing. I know that what I did was wrong, but I didn't have a choice.”

“Well, he, uh, he said you set Emmett up to take the fall. He said you were only with Edward to get to Emmett.” I gasp loudly, clapping my hand over my mouth. “That you were jealous of Rosalie and wanted to punish them both, putting him in a position to lose her.”

Tears leak from under my closed eyelids, my fingers trembling over my mouth. “My own father,” I croak, grasping blindly for my napkin.

“I'm sorry, Bella. I thought he was telling the truth, all these years. Everyone thinks so, it explains you breaking up with Edward and ditching town.”

“But how does he explain Emmett still being in jail if I lied and he knows it? Why doesn't he just say it wasn't true and get him out?”

“He said that he tried, but Emmett was caught in the stolen car. He said it was your doing, that you set him up to steal the car for you.”

“That makes no sense, Angela. First, I was never interested in Emmett. I was happy for him when he and Rosalie eloped, even though Edward was worried about her. I-I did turn Emmett in. I called the sheriff”s office and told them I'd seen him driving the car. But not for any of those reasons. For the same reasons I left, and broke Edward, and I'm now doing what I'm doing.”

She lowers her gaze, and I watch a blush creep up her face. “I believed him. He's our police chief, and I thought he was an honest man. I'm understanding now that I was wrong, but you have to tell Edward. You see, he still believes Charlie. He'll never stop hating you if you don't explain.”

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So, that's it for this week, all you cats and kittens. Come back next week and I'll show you a new trick!


Oh, who am I kidding? I am a sloth. I don't even know what that thing he's rolling on is.

You Know What Today Is, Right?

Because yesterday was my birthday, Johnny. Didn't you get the memo?

Awww, thanks, Tony Stark. Where's my fabulous present?



That's right. Be thankful.



No, wait. It was my birthday yesterday. Right.

So, I accomplished my lofty goal of doing absolutely nothing productive and spent the majority of the day high. It was the perfect day, really.

The only thing that could have made it better is a better location. You know; something like this ...



... with someone who looks like this to rub the sunscreen on me.



Other than that, it was a perfect day. 

I got lots and lots of birthday wishes on Facebook. If I missed replying to one, thank you so much.

Today, however, it's migraine central up in this bitch.



Feel sorry for me. 



Dang! Tough crowd. Um, no. I said I have a migraine. Plus, I can't actually speak on here. So, you're totally wrong.





So, neener, neener, neener! Take that!



So you're probably wanting me to get on with the recs right now, aren't you?



I'm having too much fun annoying you with the GIFs. 



My bad. I'll get on with the recs.

First, though, I should probably let you know that this week I'm featuring all VampWard stories.



I know, right? VampWard's totally hot.

I know, I just keep going back to him. Time after time.



First up is a story called The Bella Swan Scholarship Fund by eiluned price.

Summary: Bella's discovery of an unwanted gift provokes an unintended reaction.

Four months after the Cullens left her, Bella walks into the bank to deposit her paycheck when Mrs. Stanley (Jessica's mother) gives her a receipt of all recent deposits in her account and finds out that a $20,000.00 deposit was made approximately three weeks before.

Bella asks where it comes from, and after a few phone calls, it's explained that she was awarded the J. Nichols Scholarship from the Pacific Northwest Trust. Along with that, after the initial $20,000.00, she can expect to receive and additional $5,000.00 per month until her college career is over. No strings attached.

It's at that moment that Bella's depression and grief over losing Edward are replaced by something else. Rage.

Bella sees it as just another way for Edward to control her. Of making sure she stays a good girl and goes to school, just like he intended for her. Not only that, but she sees it as his way of keeping her quiet about the fact that they are vampires, so she is insulted, as well.

That night, she starts to plan. She goes to Port Angeles and opens a new bank account, buys some books and a sturdy backpack and decides she's going to go to Europe. She has a hard time convincing Charlie that dropping out of school and doing something just for herself is what's best for her, but eventually, she does.

She starts with London, exploring museums and libraries and wearing herself out every day, learning to navigate the city. She is there some weeks and is finally starting to feel comfortable in the city when her nightmares return with a vengeance. So much so that it disturbs the other residents of the hostel where she's been staying and is asked to leave. 

She goes from there to Rome. She finds a decent place to stay and starts exploring, along with finding a tutor to teach her Italian. She does well enough that the tutor gets her in touch with someone who leads tours who needs an assistant. So she has a job, of sorts, and is getting along well in Rome. Until the nightmares come back for her again after a call home to Charlie. 

He tells her that the bears everyone had been seeing in the woods before she left home had turned out not to be bears at all. They were giant wolves. And they wouldn't have found out if not for a bonfire that had been set. A bonfire that gave off purple smoke and stank like toxic waste.

The nightmares came back with a vengeance after that, and she was asked to leave once again.

This time, she opts to go to Florence by train, however, there is a strike, and traveling by train turns into riding a bus, instead. So, she gets on the bus provided by the railroad and when the driver gets on and announces their destination, Bella can hear something in the voice of the driver that makes her look up and take notice of who is driving. It turns out that the very beautiful driver is a vampire.

I'm not going to give you anything else. You'll have to read the story to find out what happens. It's only ten chapters, and extremely well-written. Give it a shot.

There's no banner for this story so here's a pic from New Moon:



The Bella Swan Scholarship Fund can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6993916/1/The-Bella-Swan-Scholarship-Fund

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Next up, Abbracciare il Cantante by AKABrattyVamp.

Summary: I am re-posting the first fanfic I ever wrote. It is not edited, or unchanged at all. Way back in the day, I wondered what would have happened if Edward left Forks when Bella arrived. SM provided awesome characters and inspiration. All of the what-ifs were mine. The mistakes are mine, too.

As the summary indicates, this story is being re-posted after she pulled it, so this is my second time reading it.

Edward and the Cullens left Forks after that horrible first meeting of Bella in his Biology class. But nothing was the same for Edward after that fateful day.

What had previously been merely difficult, drinking the blood of animals instead that of humans, was made almost impossible for Edward after he scented Bella's blood. What had been merely unsatisfying and unpalatable, became even worse each time he fed and remembered Bella's scent.

He became even more surly and depressed, so two years after the family left Forks, he decided to give them a break and go to Dartmouth by himself. He kept her scent in his mind as a frame of reference so he would never be taken by surprise by something like that again.

Until she showed up in one of his classes.

This is a fantastic story, and I'm really enjoying reading it for the second time; as a WIP this time.

Abbracciare il Cantante can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12389830/1/Abbracciare-Il-Cantante

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And, last but not least for this week, I have Bellaria by pattyrose.

Summary: It is said that in the high middle ages, and in the midst of an unspeakable betrayal, a young knight made a timeless vow to his beloved wife, Bellaria: "Wait for me. I will find you…as always…for always."

I'm just going to tell you right now that the tagline for this fic, "Wait for me. I will find you...as always...for always.", gives me goosebumps every damn time I read it.

This story starts out with a young knight, Edward, working in the fields of the castle of the lord of the manor, alongside his new wife of four months, Bellaria.

She was the daughter of the property owner and was promised to be married to someone else, Lord Jakob. But when her father left to London on business for the King of England, she took the opportunity afforded to her and married her true love.

Now, her father was back and it was time to tell him the truth, but Edward decides to go alone to the castle. To tell her father what they had done, and let him know that now he was married to his daughter, he would be even more valuable to his master.

But, Lord Karles was angry at their union, so much so that he tried to get them to renounce their marriage. But the man was so angry that he killed his daughter for her defiance and had Edward killed, as well. 

Except, Edward didn't die. He was turned into a vampire and waited for over a thousand years for his Bellaria to return.

Bella Cullen was the daughter of Dr. Carlisle Cullen and a new professor of medieval studies, focusing on the Middle Ages. A time of knights and fair maidens, as the romantic stories of today would have you believe.

Bella begins her first lecture disputing just that romantic notion when she is interrupted by an intense young man in the back row; Edward Masen. He tells her of a legend that didn't make it into the history books. A legend of a young knight who was brave and true, and his love, his wife, whom the legend centered around.

The story goes on with this Edward Masen trying to get Bella to believe this legend. To remember her past life as Bellaria. Her past life with him.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I am loving this story. pattyrose has another masterpiece in the making here. She is among my favorite authors and it's a pleasure to take this journey with her.

Bellaria can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12208491/1/Bellaria

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Okay, I lied. I have one more for you. It's a ficlet, really. A mini-fic, if you will.

LyricalKris PM'd me yesterday on Facebook, asking me for a pairing and a prompt.

Behold, my birthday gift:

Cullen Corp was a great company to work for. They were still family owned, and the family paid their employees well. They had good benefits and plenty of perks.

Bi-annually, the Cullens went all out on a week long team-building seminar. It was a week of great rooms, great food, and great fun. There was a lot of great information passed along in the daytime hours, but the nighttime, well, all bets were off.

This year’s seminar was in Vegas. The third evening, the whole crew was gathered. Everyone had finished dinner--a spectacularly fancy meal served up buffet style--and had slowly migrated so their chairs were placed more haphazardly near each other rather than pulled up to a table.

Edward, the manager of one of the corporations two sales teams, had found himself sitting next to the manager of the other team, Bella. They enjoyed a friendly rivalry, each of them trying to one-up the other. But while they were both over-competitive, they actually enjoyed each other’s company.

The music cut off, and Edward and Bella looked to the front of the room where the Cullen brothers, CEO Carlisle Cullen and CFO Emmett Cullen, were taking the center of the dance floor. “Ooh, what’s this?” Edward muttered under his breath, noting that Carlisle--usually immaculate in his well-tailored suits, was currently wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and he had a knit cap in his hands.

“Is he blushing?” Bella asked, tilting her head toward Edward.

Edward laughed. “I didn’t know a human being could turn that color…”

Carlisle cleared his throat. “So. We thought we’d have a little fun tonight. Well, a little more fun, at any rate. We were going to ask some of the managers to do a lip sync battle for you.”

The crowd whooped. One of Edward’s employees slapped him on the back. He and Bella exchanged nervous, but amused, glances.

“But we can’t ask you to make fools of yourself without being willing to do the same,” Emmett said. He clapped Carlisle’s shoulder. “So, I challenged my big brother here to start us off.”

“He plied me with too many shots and dared me,” Carlisle said, shaking his head and turning an even deeper color red. “I’m honor-bound not to back down from a dare. So, uh… I suppose I have to warn you that this is a not safe for work moment, and I’m deeply, deeply sorry.”

This announcement was met with more cheers. Bella leaned in to whisper in Edward’s ear. “Do you have your phone on you? I have a feeling this is going to be excellent black-mail material.”

But many of the other employees had them covered, whipping out phones as Carlisle extended a hand for his beautiful wife to join him. Edward’s eyes went wide as the first chords of “Doin’ It” by LL Cool J started up.

“Oh, shit,” he muttered under his breath.

Beside him Bella squeaked and covered her face with her hands, peeking through her fingers. “He’s not really--”

But he did. For the next few minutes, they were treated to the big boss, along with his curvaceous wife, lip syncing and dancing. There was something very wrong about his waspy WASP-WASP of a boss and his sweet but very high-society wife getting down to lyrics like, “I guarantee shorty it’s real, baby stick it out. Here comes the man of steel.”

Edward’s face was hot as lava with second-hand embarrassment, but he was laughing so hard his sides ached. Beside him, Bella keeled over, hiding her face on his shoulder as she shook with laughter. The room was so full of hoots and hollers, they could barely hear the music. That might have been a blessing, though. The pantomime was bad enough.

“I am not nearly drunk enough to deal with the fact that just happened,” Carlisle announced after the whistles and applause died down.

“Neither am I,” Edward and Bella muttered in unison. They looked at each other and laughed.

“You know what’s worse than making a fool out of yourself in front of a hundred a sixty two of your employees?” Emmett asked, slinging an arm around his brother’s shoulders. “Having to follow that act. But some poor sucker has to do it. Edward Masen and Bella Swan.”

Edward and Bella both sat up ramrod straight, eyes wide as they pulled their attention front and center.

Emmett tilted his head, grinning at them. “This is a lip sync battle. Winner gets dinner for their whole team. Your people work hard to make you look good. Time to work hard for them. Come on up.”

“Ah, fuck.”

******************************

Maybe, if enough of us beg her, she will continue this farce? Do you think? I hope so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next week, I desperately need someone to guest star with the recs. I've been dying to re-read Cullenary Coupling by bookishqua for a while now but it takes me around a week to read it because that fucker is huge. It's a complete reimagining of the entire Twilight saga, and it's over 1.2 million words.

Please.



Anyone?



Please, oh, pretty please.



If you're willing to do it, let me know soon. I want to get started on that bad boy, ASAP.

Anyway, my work here is done for another week. I must now bid you a fond farewell.

I've Been So Busy...

I've been pre-reading for people. I've been beta-ing for my usual people. And, now that the I <3 Mobward contest is going on, I've been emergency beta-ing for some of those entries, too.

Bitch almost doesn't have time to read for pleasure anymore.



But that's okay because I love to read. That's pretty much all I do. For realz. I have sinks full of dishes I could be doing right now, but who really wants to do that, anyway?



See? I have lots of other things I should be doing, but they won't get done. Plus, I've ignored that show This Is Us all season and tonight is the season finale (And when did they start making tv seasons so short? I blame Ryan Murphy and Kurt Sutter, yo.) and I won't be watching that until I can binge watch the whole season at once.

Yeah, I'm busy.



So what's new with you? How's every little thing? Things are much better in the old SarcasticBimbo household now that toxic waste is no longer coming out of her various orifices.



Jeez... my bad.

Anyway, back to my being busy... I have no theme for this week's blog. I was able to read three stories this week, so I guess that will have to be the theme. Seriously, none of the stories I read have anything in common except for the character names. But that's okay.

First up is the story The Honeymoons Over by JustForkIt.

Summary: What happens when the honeymoons over and you have to start dealing with life? Edward and Bella learn that being married isn't always easy and crazy MIL's dont just go away.

I admit the bad punctuation in the summary almost made me decide not to read it, but I decided to suck it up and read it. And, boy, I'm glad I did.

This story was terrific. The story starts with a prologue that has Bella crying in bed after the first big fight she and Edward had after getting married. Each chapter starts with a snippet of present day events, and then goes into the past, working its way forward until the prologue.

What happens in the story is that Edward and Bella have been together six years and just got married. Edward's mother hates Bella and does whatever she can to make Bella look bad, or try to break them up. Bella puts up with it because she loves Edward, but she does complain to him which puts him in the middle.

Until, one day, after putting on a show of getting along with Bella for a time, she ambushes her with Edward's ex, Tanya, who lets it slip that happened after Edward broke up with Bella because he knew she wanted to get married and she was afraid of commitment.

It was something he never told Bella about, and when Tanya, who Edward's mother just loves, lets it slip, Esme and Tanya think that will make them break up for good and that they've won their battle to get him away from Bella.

Yes, the story has technical issues (punctuation being a major one) but if you can ignore those, the story itself is fantastic. You really need to go read this one.

Unfortunately, there's no banner picture for this story so I found something I liked for it:





The Honeymoons Over can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4762484/1/The-Honeymoons-Over

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The second story this week is called Falling For You by GreenEyedGirl17. There is no summary provided for this story.

I've read this story three times now, and while I really enjoyed it the first two times, I enjoyed it a little less this last time. Don't get me wrong, it's a good story. I would still recommend it to people, but Bella's pretty whiny in this one and she got on my nerves.

However, she does have good reasons for being whiny. The story starts out with her being a 23-year-old virgin, so that's got her getting whiny right from the get go. She's also sworn off men because all the men she's met until this point, and she was engaged at one time, have all been losers. Hence, the past tense status of her engagement.

Then, the clouds parted and the heavens sang and at an employee get-together thrown by her boss, pediatric cardiologist Carlisle Cullen, she meets his son (and the man of her dreams), Edward. So, life's looking up, right?

You would think so, wouldn't you? Alas, not for poor Bella. He's ten years older than she is and she thinks he would never want to be with her. He's ten years older than she is and has two kids and he thinks she'd never want to be with him. But they have a first date and it's pretty fantastic.

Then he doesn't call her for a week straight and she thinks he's just blown her off. Meanwhile, he's had a busy week at work and one of his daughters sent his phone on an adventure in the sink. Poor phone.

They eventually decide that they're it for each other, but then Bella acquires a stalker and Edward's older daughter hates Bella and so does his ex-wife, Tanya. So, like I said, the girl definitely has the right to be whiny. It just got on my nerves.

They face those obstacles, and others, on their way to happily ever after, but they eventually get there.

I definitely like this story. I read it three times over the past few years, after all.

Falling For You can be found here:

http://www.twilighted.net/viewstory.php?sid=6173

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The third story for this week is called In The Deepest Space by loss4words. 

Summary: What will happen to the astronaut, Bella Swan, when she is unable to make it back to her ship on Mars and close to death? Who will come to her rescue and what will she learn about what else is "out there?" Rated Mature for language and lemons.

I liked the story. The story aspect of it is good. That being said, when the story is in Bella's point of view, it's engaging and readable. When it's in anybody else's point of view, however, the alien-speak is annoying at best and makes you want to pull your hair out at worst.

Thankfully, while there are a lot of instances where the story is not in BPOV, it's not enough to overtake the story and make you want to stop reading it entirely. At least, it didn't make me want to stop reading it entirely, and I'm not a very patient person.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'll put up with a lot if a story is good. Just as MeteorOnAMoonlessNight (aka: Lara Poe Norman), she'll tell you that I will read through the most heinous stories just to see how bad they get, but this one is good. Trust me. If you like sci-fi, this one is right up your alley.

Anyway, Bella is an astronaut doing a spacewalk on Mars when she runs out of breathable air in her spacesuit and dies. She is rescued by two aliens, Esssme and Emmeet (all the names are spelled just a little off from their Twilight names), who bring her to their spaceship and revive her. She instantly mates with another alien, Edwaird.

Once they get to their home planet, some very surprising things are found out about Bella. Things that will have an impact on everyone on her new home planet.



In The Deepest Space can be found here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9617931/1/In-The-Deepest-Space

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I know, I know. With how much I complained about aspect of some of these stories it doesn't seem like I should be recommending them, right?

Well, I have an answer for that. Just because I don't enjoy every single bit of a story, doesn't mean I don't enjoy it, overall.

Anyway, give these stories a chance. I think you'll like them.

Now, I have to go back to being busy. I have more pre-reading and beta-ing to do. And, of course, I need to read a bunch for the pleasure I get from recommending them in this blog.


I know I've used this GIF before, but I just love it. And every time I see this GIF...

...I hear this song. Bwhahahahahahaha!!!

So, until next week, MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT THE WAY, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!